I met my husband in his small hometown in Spain during a study abroad in college. After we got married, he joined the military. Since getting together, we have spent a lot of time apart. Whether across the table from each other or across an ocean from each other, life has a way of creating gaps in even the healthiest relationships. Intentional communication can help bridge those gaps.
For us, this has come in the form of five simple questions that we ask each other on a regular basis.
Regular check-ins ensure we are on the same page and moving in the same direction, even when we are apart.
We had our first spouse check-in a few years ago. My husband had been home for a week after being gone for 8 months of military training. When he left, I was 37 weeks pregnant with our first child. Needless to say, he came home to a very different house than the one he had left behind. He was getting to know his new-to-him baby. And after 8 months apart and a lot of change, we were getting to know each other again, too.
The living room that had once displayed nice decor was now covered in toys and spit-up. The bed that we used to share now had a tiny indentation from where our baby had taken his spot. Late-night movies had been replaced by late-night feedings. The silence that had once bounced effortlessly between the walls of our home had been replaced by a litany of new sounds.
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No matter how much we had anticipated the adjustment of him coming home, it still felt like we had both been bucked off a horse, then shattered when we hit the ground like a Mr. Potato Head.
We were both working on putting ourselves back together again, and I felt like we were as disjointed together as we were individually.
So I came up with a list of five simple questions. Questions to force us to be straightforward, proactive, and compassionate with the big changes we were both going through. I gave them to him, scribbled on a piece of paper.
I told him to think about them and let me know when his answers were ready. Then one night, while the baby was asleep, we walked through them carefully and intentionally.
Fast forward a few years, and these checkins have become a standard for recalibration in our marriage. As seasons change and the challenges of our lives come and go, these questions help us manage those changes. They’re nothing fancy or complex, but they do seem to work.
The 5 questions:
1. What are three things you’re stressed about?
2. What are three things you’re excited about?
3. What are your short-term goals?
4. What are your long-term goals?
5. How can I support you?
That’s it. Just 5 simple questions to touch base and help both people feel seen, heard, and understood. They quickly address the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between. Sometimes they take five minutes to go through, sometimes an hour. Most of what comes up is things I already knew. Sometimes, I realize I had been making assumptions about his stressors that were way off base. As we make it a priority to have transparent, regular communication, the time apart doesn’t seem to affect us as much.
Last year, we added a little brother to the party. While he was at least there for the birth this time, the military called him away again shortly after. It was hard, but the foundation was there. A foundation we had built intentionally, knowing that life would continue to create gaps between us.
I think it’s easy, amidst peanut butter stains and sleep deprivation, to forget that your spouse is the most important person in your life.
When I prioritize my relationship with my husband, then we can prioritize our kids together. These check-ins help me to do that. I hope they are helpful for you, too!
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