It’s nearing the end of the semester, and you know what that means–report card time! No matter what letters are on that piece of paper, it’s time to break up with the way we think about our kids’ grades.

Parents (with very good intentions) often have a difficult relationship with their child’s grades. This doesn’t happen overnight. Parents don’t wake up one day and say, “I think I need to care about my child’s grades more than they do!” Rather, it happens slowly over time. Many believe that school engagement will lead to personal development, better job opportunities, or financial security. To be fair, there is a correlation! For this reason, parents invest early in books, math programs, phonics puzzles, flashcards, and so on. By the time kids reach school, grades can sometimes be a reflection of how hard the parent is working, not the child.

It’s time to think of grades differently. Instead of viewing them as predictors of success or future life skills, start using them for what they are–snapshots of learning in progress. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean detaching completely. It’s equally important to note that parents who show interest in their child’s education tend to have kids that develop better attitudes about school, increased self-esteem, and other benefits.

Did you notice the difference there? Parents are interested, not invested.

Being invested means that you carry a sense of anxiousness about the outcomes of your child’s school performance, which may result in your child internalizing that same anxiety. Being interested means you desire to be involved in the process with less focus on the results. This looks like knowing what goes on in your child’s day, but also being willing to be an outsider. You follow the lead of your child and/or their teacher, offering help when needed and taking a step back when you’re not.

So how do we stay interested, not invested? Here are some suggestions.

Be curious.

When your child either [sheepishly] or [proudly] hands you their report card, pause and take a deep breath before you respond. Instead of exclaiming “Wow!” or “Oh dear . . . ” try “How do you feel about it?”

Another question might be, “Does it feel true to you?”

Kids naturally want to please their parents. Kids seek our praise. But if we can lead the moment with questions and take time to check in with them before we react, we can teach our kids how to check in with themselves first and learn those all-important skills of self-trust and emotional regulation. We can also have time to gauge what response they really need to hear from us, instead of leading with our knee-jerk reactions.

Be neutral.

We often separate our child’s grades into two unhelpful categories: “good” and “bad.” For many families, privileges are either earned or taken away based on grades. “Good” grades often mean that a child has done what is expected of them in the classroom setting: listen to the teacher, complete tasks on time, and master the outlined objectives. Naturally, offering a child a reward for good behavior makes sense.

However, as parents, we do not actually have control over what is happening in that classroom or how our child responds to it. We should really only be incentivizing or giving consequences for things we have a direct agreement with the child about. We can have expectations for how our children should conduct themselves, and we can provide examples and lessons at home, but beyond that, we might want to reconsider using grades for rewards or punishments.

Grades are just information about academic progress, and if we place unnecessary weight on them, it’s easy for our kid to pick up on the false narrative that “good grades mean I am a good person” . . . or vice versa. Let’s neutralize our language about grading, as well as our reactions.

*One nuance to this is if a child has reached a goal in school that they set for themselves, whether that’s a certain grade, a correct number of words on a spelling test, or even asking questions when they need help, that’s probably not a time to be neutral. It’s a time to celebrate!

Be your kid’s best ally.

If your child’s grades are exhibiting a pattern of not meeting academic standards, do your best to reserve your frustration with the child, and instead position yourself as an ally and advocate who is working alongside them. Think of it as a problem that the two of you are going to tackle together.

When my son was in 5th grade, he came home with a math grade that did not make sense to him. He had been working so hard in a particular unit and the grade he received really bothered him. My question then was, “Do you want to talk to your teacher about it?” He surprised me by saying, “Yes!” I asked if he wanted to do that on his own or if he would like my help. We ended up scheduling a meeting with the three of us, and the teacher explained that the grade was a result of a couple of old quiz scores. She also felt that it did not accurately reflect the recent work he had been putting in. Together, they made the goal of raising that particular grade in the next quarter. I was just the person on the sidelines that set up the meeting.

By creating a relationship where you are on the same team as your children, they will be less likely to internalize that “something is wrong with me” if they get a grade that disappoints them. And they might learn that a grade is just an indicator that something needs to be managed differently at school or at home to set them up for success.

Be a boundary.

As a child and teen therapist and a former school counselor, there is one statement that I wish kids would hear more often:

Your grades do not equal your worth.

Kids hear so many loud messages from society that tell them they have to achieve in order to feel good about themselves. Let your message of loving them for who they are, not what they do, be even louder. Draw this boundary for your child early and often. Be the place where they can feel safe and loved unconditionally. Praise them for things that have nothing to do with school, grades, awards, sports outcomes, or anything performance-related. You probably do this already, so make sure you give them an extra dose of it around report card time, whether they are bringing home As or Ds.

Just remember, when in doubt, choose the relationship with your child over the relationship with your child’s grades.

The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Boise Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.